As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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