Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You are the jesus of drinking
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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