this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
