now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
