i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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