Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
