i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
