I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
