Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
