What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
