If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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