trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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