I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
