Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
