Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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