uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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