I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
