Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
