Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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