She tied me up with her honor cords...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
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