The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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