God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
We are all done wearing pants today
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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