Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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