I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
3pm strippers are depressing
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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