I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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