The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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