What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
