Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We don't watch enough power rangers
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
