I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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