he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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