I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
