well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
worst night to have a conscience
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
