By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
