mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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