Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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