im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
