i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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