Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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