At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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