The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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