2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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