we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
