I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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