Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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