I could make wine with my vomit
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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