I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
