i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
