College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
