gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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