I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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